Going Crazy

Its always a struggle when I feel myself going crazy — a real whirlwind I mean. I got ideas floating around everywhere, literally bouncing off the walls in my head — I mean really knocking me out. The worst thing is that they just come from nowhere. I’m sitting here trying to concentrate on work, or play, or whatever, anything but some stupid crazy thought, and bam! Some depressing thought comes into my mind about how there’s too many poor people, or about some long lost love, and that’s it, just throws me out of my groove.

 

Some crazy thought just throws me out of my groove and then I’m just spinning around like a greased monkey with no direction — just a mess waiting to crash. I always try to avoid moments like this, because they really are a distraction, you know, when you feel like you should do something, when I’m already sitting here doing something. So what makes these thoughts feel so important that they gotta creep into my head and mess me up. I’m just trying to get some work done, and they say “No! You are wasting your time. You should be doing something else. Why aren’t you saving the planet? Why aren’t you saving the poor? Why don’t you spend more time with your family?”

 

Well, what’s the answer? Maybe there is some little pill that I can take to trick my brain into thinking everything is allright, but I heard those things do more harm than good. There’s always a few things I can do, like exercise, that can bring back the sanity for a little bit, but its only temporary. I guess its a battle I’ll have to fight for the rest of my life — me against those crazy ideas that come flying out of nowhere.

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Inspiration

The spark begins deep in my soul, consumes thought after thought, grows larger. The fire is a compulsion that bothers me — its flames hammer and chisel away at my consciousness — wrench me, push me to the edge of insanity, to where I can feel my feet losing hold of the ground, and I have no choice but to stop and help it burn down softly before it becomes an uncontrollable inferno. The spark is my insatiable desire for expression, my inspiration.

This spark of inspiration can be a blessing, allowing me to imagine without restraints, to persevere past the ramparts of my mind. The fire that moves me is excitement, breathlessness, the joy of waking up — it is a loose connection to the ethereal.

Though the fire is an unearthly energy, I belong to the physical, and therefore am not capable of always indulging it; It is at these times that I fear the fire, because when I do not act it burns my soul with desire, pushes its flames against my lungs, starves them of oxygen. The frustrated energy looks for an outlet, and scorches every corner of my psyche, until the exposure weighs heavily on me; damaged, barren and useless, I admit defeat.

Is it that I am not capable of control over the inspiration within me, or do I allow myself to imagine desires so large that I willfully ignore the raging fury as it races towards me — Do I let it grow until my reason can no longer fathom it nor can reason bring me back to Earth gently?

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My Cave

My cave is very dark. There is no light in my cave. I’m stuck in here. I can’t find a way out. The worst thing is that I’m stuck in this cave alone. No, the worst thing is that I can feel things in the cave, with no light, and that scares me. 

I wonder where these things come from, these things that creep around me. Like vapors they move around me, icy fingers passing over me. Some of these things help me to breath, but for the most part they make it hard for me to breath — some of them. Sometimes when they help me to breath we can fill my cave with something like light, and I can be happy. But that happens and my light disappears too quickly and then I’m full of darkness again. 

I wish I could find the light. I remember the light, and its warmth. I remember the life that the brightness would give me, and I keep searching for it, but all I find is cold, hard rock. Sometimes I try to turn the hard rock to light. I sing to her, beat her, kiss her, kick her, caress her, but nothing works. Sometimes I sit on the ground and close my eyes and try to make the light come back, and it does, but when I open my eyes its gone. 

I wish I could find the light again. I found it one time, and I loved it. I could see a brighter future in her light — I saw the hope and the answers. 

I’m going to find the light again.

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The Taking of Mexico

granite_cliff

So now we are the outsiders,

So now we should be shoved to the outskirts,

Make room for the masters;

So now we shall have the reservations,

To learn to live to die

So now you have given us our destiny,

So now, let me tell you how wrong you are,

Let me show you how the weed devours the fig

Let me show you the resilience of my root

Let me gnaw at your ankle,

As you writhe,

Let me hold you, burning, in the lucid light

Foreign to reason, that which you hold so true

Yet blind,

You stumble on the hard rock, with your prick

Measured in inches, yet missed by centuries.

Hold fast to the tops — hold the soil;

From Winter’s slumber Spring’s fury comes;

Oh tormenting showers

Wash away the glittery top;

And the bedrock, whence you try to grapple,

Rises up, to push you forward,

In the current which foots fail,

And forward yet, lies the ocean

To clean the rocks,

And deliver to my shores pure sand.

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BANG! BANG!

bang bang

Sometimes you hear the sound and you don’t know what it means…

I’ll tell you what it means,

It means: What the hell are you still doing awake? That’s what the hell it means!

It means: What are you asking questions you don’t want answers too… you think you’re stronger than you’re making out?

It means you’d better buck up and walk the line; that’s what it means — don’t stir the water — don’t rock the boat.

It means keep your hands inside the window,

It means don’t look around, keep your focus, don’t let those eyes wander…

There are some things that you don’t want to see, so just keep on the straight an’ narrow, see…

Its easy, just keep prayin’, an’ I’ll keep a workin’,

an’ somewhere down the line you’ll be able to say, “See! I told you so!”

Dang! And I thought I had it all figured out 😦

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Insomnia, Part III

insomnia

Lying awake at night I have so many thoughts going through my head,

Impulses that I feel I have to act on, do anything, rather than just lie thinking;

Thinking, that one action which causes me to stir, above all, ache,

Thinking, about nothing, everything , who knows what?

Lying and thinking, the two should be so sweet, but can sting and linger

The pain breaking my peace, shattering my hope, that one thought

Creeps into my mind, digs a hole, the walls cave in, a dark abyss,

An all engulfing force that buries my soul.

How do we lose control of our thoughts? How do I lose control?

My emotions become alien to me, I’m pulled from outside,

Tossed in any direction, like being caught in a whirlwind

Thoughts furl up and down, trying to find a bearing, a direction.

Its too difficult to lie and think, so I’d rather numb myself,

Knock myself out, slowly, with one drink, but that’s not enough,

The first drink only warms me up, but I can still think,

One more for good luck,

The second drink goes down easier, and my spirits lift a bit,

Higher, off the cold ground.

Now I can start to doze on the lofty clouds, find a thread of peace to hold onto,

Now fly a little higher, flap my arms, push up, and the sour mash goes down

One more to lift me up, and I see the angels fly by, in unison

They invite me to play with them, and I merrily agree.

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